As most of you know, about a week and a half ago I posted what 50 agents said are the biggest mistakes writers make when querying agents. Last week, I noticed that I was getting a lot of traffic sent my way from Absolute Write Watercooler (one of the five best websites for writers), and I discovered that an Absolute Writer had posted the link and started a discussion thread.
Somewhere along the thread, one particular Absolute Writer decided to compose a query that does everything wrong. And I mean everything.
This beautiful piece of humor was created by "Mr. Anonymous" (also known as Emil), and if you've ever written a bad query of your own...well, this will cheer you up:
The query letter that does everything wrong:
Howdy Partner,
Are ya sitting? Because if not, ya better get to it. If ya are, stand up, and then sit right back down again you agent you, because a MILLION DOLLAR IDEA has just landed in your virtual lap.
Imagine: Your sister, becky, is found dead in the football field of john jay high school, her skull bashed in to reveal her brain. Imagine a bird, picking at her brain matter. Pick pick pick. "Mmmmmmmm. Becky Brain matter taste so goooood." (that was the bird's pov.) What follows is an amazingly spectacular tale of mystery and intrigue, betrayal and love, redemption and triumph, good and EVIL from the author who brought you CASTRATION: THE ADVANTAGES AND DISADVANTAGES.
WHEN BIRDS PICK AT BRAIN MATTER is a 345,231 word multicultural, mystery fiction, family saga novel with elements of science fiction, black comedy, and erotica, written at a third grade level for a middle grade audience.
I know publishing is a really, really difficult business and I appreciate your taking the time to read this MILLION DOLLAR query letter. I've taken the liberty of making dinner reservations tomorrow night at Le Bernadin to discuss the project. I've also taken the liberty of inviting spielberg, because though he doesn't know me, I just know the movie adaptation of WHEN BIRDS PICK AT BRAIN MATTER is going to be his next Schindler's list. See ya tomorrow at 7 p.m., partner!
*
Hey, at least your query letter isn't that bad. (Uh...is it?)
Tomorrow on the blog, we'll get back to some deeper explorations of Lady Literature. For today, however, I figured it can never hurt to give you a reason to laugh.
Happy reading.
Happy writing.
~JM
Play nice and share with others
↓ ↓ ↓ ↓ ↓ ↓ ↓ ↓ ↓ ↓ ↓ ↓
Posts
Don't forget to include the sequel, WHEN BIRDS PICK MY NOSE. Agents are so busy that they LOVE to get multiple submissions. :-)
ReplyDeleteScooter - I was sitting around several people when I read your comment, and I laughed really loud, and they looked at me funny. Thanks ;)
ReplyDeleteHow did you get a hold of my query letter?
ReplyDeleteGlad I could be of help. Making people look awkward in public is my life's mission.
ReplyDeleteThanks for making me feel better about my query letter knowledge!
ReplyDeleteRuh Roh! Better rewrite mine ;)
ReplyDeleteGood advice, thanks.
ReplyDeleteI want to send that to some of my fellow agents. It's just close enough to some of the queries I've seen that I think they'd believe it was real.
ReplyDeleteI'm having a blast reading your articles. Thanks for all the humor and knowledge. It's a breath of fresh air.
ReplyDelete